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A term I want to do-away with

Lately, over the last year, my diagnosis of “treatment-resistant” depression—severe, recurrent—triggers me into an overwhelm of hopelessness. Can we choose a gentler clinical term? I don’t want to be treatment-resistant, I want something to work for me. I think they understand that I have been trying so hard and for so long and for so… Continue reading A term I want to do-away with

Reflections on SHAME

Trigger warning: sexual abuse, anorexia (numbers – mention of weights and miles run) After I sent my acceptance letter to the University of California, San Diego, and declined admission to Brigham Young University, my father and the bishop of our Mormon church advised me that I would be “challenged” by studying in San Diego, outside… Continue reading Reflections on SHAME

A Strange New Idea

I just met with my dietitian (these days, on FaceTime), and I told her I was reluctant to share something with her because I was afraid she’d take it and run with it. Well, I told her anyway, because it’s where I’m at today—where I’ve been at for nearly two weeks, actually. I’m considering not… Continue reading A Strange New Idea

Why I Haven’t Pressed Charges in 8 Years, and Why I May Not Ever

I had a psych-ward-style breakdown this past December 2nd. The rape happened on that date in 2012. That’s given me eight years to get over it. And I’m not over it at all. My therapist helpfully pointed out that I was drunk for six of those eight years—implying that, perhaps, the healing will come in… Continue reading Why I Haven’t Pressed Charges in 8 Years, and Why I May Not Ever

A Reserve of Power: Pacing Myself for the Second Half of the Marathon

TW: sexual abuse, child abuse, PTSD, death “Mountaineers, however, always find themselves a reserve of power after great exhaustion. It is a kind of second life, available only in emergencies like this; and, having proved its existence, I had no great fear that either of us would fail.” John Muir I’m telling myself it’s the… Continue reading A Reserve of Power: Pacing Myself for the Second Half of the Marathon

Goodbye Letter to Alcohol

My wonderful A.A. sponsor assigned this letter to me, as my homework for Step 1. Step 2–FINALLY, after two years and two months of A.A., is next! It’s about damn time! I have some feminist qualms with A.A., but I’ll save them for another day. Today, I’m in the practice of taking what helps and… Continue reading Goodbye Letter to Alcohol

TGIF #2

Friday post inspired by Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection—TGIF: what I’m Trusting, what I’m Grateful for, what Inspires me, and how I’m practicing my Faith. What I’m trusting I’m trusting my heart. I’m trusting that, despite so much uncertainty in the world, empathy and compassion will prevail. I’m trusting my support—friends, family, mentors, and… Continue reading TGIF #2

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