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A term I want to do-away with
Lately, over the last year, my diagnosis of “treatment-resistant” depression—severe, recurrent—triggers me into an overwhelm of hopelessness. Can we choose a gentler clinical term? I don’t want to be treatment-resistant, I want something to work for me. I think they understand that I have been trying so hard and for so long and for so…
Reflections on SHAME
Trigger warning: sexual abuse, anorexia (numbers – mention of weights and miles run) After I sent my acceptance letter to the University of California, San Diego, and declined admission to Brigham Young University, my father and the bishop of our Mormon church advised me that I would be “challenged” by studying in San Diego, outside…
A Strange New Idea
I just met with my dietitian (these days, on FaceTime), and I told her I was reluctant to share something with her because I was afraid she’d take it and run with it. Well, I told her anyway, because it’s where I’m at today—where I’ve been at for nearly two weeks, actually. I’m considering not…
Why I Haven’t Pressed Charges in 8 Years, and Why I May Not Ever
I had a psych-ward-style breakdown this past December 2nd. The rape happened on that date in 2012. That’s given me eight years to get over it. And I’m not over it at all. My therapist helpfully pointed out that I was drunk for six of those eight years—implying that, perhaps, the healing will come in…
A Reserve of Power: Pacing Myself for the Second Half of the Marathon
TW: sexual abuse, child abuse, PTSD, death “Mountaineers, however, always find themselves a reserve of power after great exhaustion. It is a kind of second life, available only in emergencies like this; and, having proved its existence, I had no great fear that either of us would fail.” John Muir I’m telling myself it’s the…
Goodbye Letter to Alcohol
My wonderful A.A. sponsor assigned this letter to me, as my homework for Step 1. Step 2–FINALLY, after two years and two months of A.A., is next! It’s about damn time! I have some feminist qualms with A.A., but I’ll save them for another day. Today, I’m in the practice of taking what helps and…
ACT Reflections: Mindfulness Self-Compassion Exercise
I’ve been a part of an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) at my outpatient treatment center for about a year now. We always open and close with a mindfulness exercise, and this afternoon we revisited one we did quite some time ago. I like it when we repeat ACT groups I’ve already practiced before, because…
TGIF #2
Friday post inspired by Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection—TGIF: what I’m Trusting, what I’m Grateful for, what Inspires me, and how I’m practicing my Faith. What I’m trusting I’m trusting my heart. I’m trusting that, despite so much uncertainty in the world, empathy and compassion will prevail. I’m trusting my support—friends, family, mentors, and…
Guest Post by Melissa R.: Masks: The Advantages
Here’s a post just for funsies. I felt so loved this summer to have dear friends sending me weekly emails of support. Here is the latest from Melissa R., who has been one of my best friends for FIFTEEN years now—back when we were technical writers. You can bet that if ever I marry, she…
Teen Angst? Or Valid Emotions During Times of Change?
Something significant came over me not long into my stay at The Refuge—A Healing Place this summer, where I sought residential treatment for my PTSD. I began listening to upbeat music again. Music that used to make me feel good, but that I came to find far too stimulating as I fell into a deep…
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The Kindness of Strangers 